What “M/other” Gets Right About Being Child-Free
Ever feel like you're letting your mom down by choosing not to have children—even if she’s never said it aloud? If so, M/other, a short documentary by Iris Zaki, is for you. Iris, and two of her child-free friends, Mor and Einat, swap moms to discuss being child-free.
I was blessed with a mom (and dad) who never pressured me to have kids. The only future life advice I was given was to get a career. And I put more pressure on myself to do that than my parents ever did. Still, I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt that my parents won’t become grandparents. I think that my mom would be a great grandma. But her being a good grandparent is less of a reason for me to have a child than is the possibility of me being a good mother.
Despite my not feeling parental pressure to have kids, much of the doc resonated with me. I loved every minute of it. It should be a must watch for anyone who has chosen to be child-free.
One mother shares that she has not spoken with her daughter about being child-free - she is afraid to start a fight. Her daughter admits to getting angry if the subject were broached. One daughter shares that she froze her eggs even though she knew that she did not want to have children because of the pressure from her mom. Her mother believes that her daughter did this for herself - so that the possibility of having a child remains for her.
One mother spoke of the friends not knowing how motherhood would change them; it helps a woman grow as a person. She commented that your child will always come first and you push your needs aside. As recognized by her conversation partner, this is often reinforcement for why the child-free do not want to be a parent.
A mother commented that becoming a parent wasn’t a logical decision - she felt it deep in her gut. Hearing this was further confirmation for me that I have made the right decision. I never felt a desire to have children - I was never concerned about it as something that I had to do. My biological clock could tick down and I wasn’t worried about it. One of the friends commented: “It’s not something you decide, it’s how we are. It’s [the desire to be a parent] just not there.” I couldn’t agree with her more.
Child-free by choice folks simply do not want to have kids. We don’t have regrets. We enjoy our lives immensely without feeling like we are missing out on anything. As summed up perfectly in my favourite line from M/other, “we have a different fairy tale.”
Alysia Christiaen
Creator of CFW² and a child-free woman.
