“Am I allowed to have a boring, unimpressive little life without children?”

“Faced with this apparent baby-shaped gap, it’s no wonder I, and other child-free women like me, feel a need to make our lives extra big, exciting and meaning-filled to ‘make up’ for not being a mum.”

I highly recommend reading Ellen Scott's incredible piece (paywall) for Stylist magazine, “I don’t want children… why do I feel so much pressure to ‘make up’ for that?”

Reading this article made me reflect on my situation. Have I filled my life with things to make it “meaningful” because I subconsciously feel that I need to make up for something because I don’t have kids? I certainly have never thought that aloud. But this article made me wonder if it explains my hectic life consumed with goal setting and achievement. Don’t get me wrong – I am proud of my accomplishments and enjoy the demands of my career, volunteer work, and extracurricular activities.

Have I filled my life with these things to justify my decision to have children?

Spoiler Alert: I don’t have an answer to that question – yet. It will take serious self-reflection before I know the answer (if I ever come up with one) to this somewhat emotionally jarring question. I have, on occasion, pre-planned my answer to the inevitable question, “What’s new with you?” before heading to a social or networking event, but on this, I’m stymied.

Am I above the pressure to make my life “meaningful” with achievements to compensate for not having children? Do I need to prove myself somehow because the demands of being a mother are absent from my life?

What I do know is that I am happy. I am happy that I don’t have to run to pick up the children after work, figure out what to feed them, and spend time reading a book before battling them to bed. I immensely enjoy the evenings when I can relax with a glass of wine while enjoying a good TV show or book. But I also know that I resent the evenings when I have to work late to meet a deadline for a client or review the material for a board meeting the next day.

Scott’s article does a fantastic job of questioning the pressures that child-free women may place on themselves to explain – or justify – their life choices to others. The only person whose opinion should carry any weight is your own. The thoughts of others can certainly help provide valuable perspectives. Still, the most well-intentioned (although often unsolicited) advice must be set aside sometimes, even when offered by those you cherish.

And then there’s the “meaning to life” argument.

“… we’re advised that having children gives your life so much meaning, that a child-free life is one that is empty or lacking.”

I find this assertion dismissive of everything a child-free person has accomplished, even if the accomplishment is simply the spectacular achievement of living a balanced, joyful life.

“This pressure falls much more heavily on women because women’s identities are so, so much more wrapped up in motherhood under patriarchy.”

Jody Day, author, psychotherapist and founder of Gateway Women

This comment may not be popular, but it is time to question where this desire to have children comes from. Is having children something you want, is it baked-in to our biology, or is it something that society tells us is the next step in the path you are expected to follow? 

“It’s absurd to think that the choice to be child-free needs to be explained and reinforced. There are more reasons to not have children than to have children, and the best reason to be child-free is you want to be child-free.”

Charlotte Fox Weber

The only reason to do anything is the one that makes sense to you and you alone. You don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone, including choosing a child-free life.

Alysia Christiaen

Creator of CFW² and a child-free woman.