Protecting Our (Child-Free) Boundaries
In one of her earliest episodes, Laura Allen, host of Child-free Me, interviewed guest, Amber Shoffey about how the child-free feel the need to apologize for our choices. During their conversation, they talked about being child-free women in the workplace. An HR professional, Laura is sometimes faced with requests for special accommodation for childcare issues from parents in her hybrid workplace. (She had granted one such request right before the podcast and was surprised that she hadn’t even thought twice about it, even as a child-free person.)
The women spoke about how they “deprioritize other things in [their] lives so that parents can prioritize their children.” They observed that it seemed easier for parents to set boundaries at work and prioritize their children.
Their comments struck a chord with me. As child-free women, we put more pressure on ourselves to take one for the team than our employers put on us. We volunteer to attend after-work events or work late to meet the client’s (often arbitrary) deadline because no one else is available (or willing to give up their personal time). I can think of countless times when I have cancelled plans for the benefit of my workplace.*
And it often isn’t because anyone has demanded that I do it. I do it because I feel like I should. It is (or seems to be) that parents can walk away from work to focus on their personal priorities much better than child-free women. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they shouldn’t prioritize spending time with their kids over work (keep your nasty comments out of my DM). My point is that child-free women need to get better at prioritizing the boundaries we want to set at work and to get better at protecting them.
We set boundaries to make ourselves better. Whatever that better looks like to you – healthier person, more productive worker, happier individual, kinder to family and friends. By deprioritizing our boundaries, we make it easier for others to lean on us when the team is in a pinch. We project an “it’s okay, I don’t mind cancelling” approach to our non-work commitments. Hopefully, it isn’t taken advantage of, but many work in environments where it will be.
Allen uses the example of how it is harder to set boundaries when we aren’t picking up a child but going to a hair appointment. Who cares why we want to set a boundary? It isn’t anyone’s business what we do with our non-work time. Self-care is just as important as childcare. Some might even argue that it is more important than childcare because, without self-care, the care you provide to others will likely suffer.
Now that the problem of deprioritizing our boundaries has been identified. What should we do about it? Let’s start by laying off the guilt we pile on ourselves because someone else – maybe a parent – must stay late to meet a work commitment. Parenting time should not be prioritized over the personal time of child-free people in the workplace. The boundary we set to have a child-free life does not mean that the boundaries around our additional free time should be any less valuable.
Stop feeling bad because you don’t have to rush to pick up a child and prepare dinner. Your lifestyle affords you different opportunities—embrace them. Erect a boundary around your time and protect it. The joy a parent gets from spending time with their kids may be found in your hairstylist's chair.
Happiness is happiness, and it all deserves protection.
*A bit of a disclaimer: I can’t say that only my workplace benefits when I go to networking events for the firm – I certainly get to meet new people, build my book of business, etc.
Alysia Christiaen
Creator of CFW² and a child-free woman.
