Curiosity Does Not Outweigh Dignity: Why “Why Don’t You Have Kids?” Doesn’t Belong at Work

Some of you know how much I dislike the question “Do you have kids?” For many childfree folk, it is a question that elicits an emotional response - anxiety, grief. For a full explanation of the perils of this question, check out my blog That Damn Question.

What is even worse - and really should never be asked in a work setting - is “Why don’t you have kids?” 

For those who think this is an appropriate question, please give your head a shake. This is such a personal question. Someone who tells you they do not have children is not looking to debate their decision (or the circumstances preventing them from having one). No one would ever ask a person who has a child why they wanted one, so the same respect should be extended to the child-free.

According to Statistics Canada, in 2022, 17.4% of women aged 50 and older had no biological children. Other countries have similar statistics on the number of child-free women at the end of their childbearing years. What these numbers show is that being a child-free woman as you get older makes you a member of a minority group. 

Before you ask a child-free person why they do not have children, consider this: would you ever make comments or ask personal questions of members of more commonly recognized minority groups, for example, about sexual orientation? Absolutely not. And if you did, it would be grounds for a harassment complaint with human resources. 

The questions you ask — and the assumptions behind them — shape workplace culture. If we want inclusive, respectful environments, we need to recognize that not all differences are visible, and not all personal choices are open for discussion.

Curiosity does not outweigh dignity. Silence, when a question crosses a boundary, is not politeness — it’s respect.

Alysia Christiaen

Creator of CFW² and a child-free woman.